Tis the Season for Insanity
by DitaDesu
Summary: Christmas is the time for love. Love can drive some people crazy. RoyRiza, implied EdWinry.
1. Part 1

Hi all. I wrote 3 five-minute Roy-Riza one-shots that can be linked together or taken separately, whatever you want! Anyway, enjoy the fics and Merry Christmas! Forgive me for any OOC-ness cringe.

Ooo.

Whenever we look back on Christmas, certain things comes to mind. Shopping, family, work (not necessarily in that order). But a period of three days before Christmas that, when usually filled with last minute Christmas shopping and trying not to run into old friends who are wandering where their invite for Christmas drinks went, was so different this year. Sure, there were those things listed above, but we were slightly more pre-occupied with the events that follow. We have written them from a third-person view, as the actual story has been pieced together by various members of the Militia, and some others. But naturally, all stories have a title, and Havoc wanted to call it 'Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat'. We generally agreed that this didn't have anything to do with the story, so we decided upon 'The time Roy Mustang cracked'. Read on.  
-Havoc, Falman, Fury and Full-metal, Alphonse Elric and Winry Rockbell.

Ooo.

Part 1: To Envy a Midget

Winry and Riza were seated in Roy Mustang's office. Mustang himself was currently absent, and the only other observer in the room was Black Hayate, who was currently nestled in a pile of Styrofoam and was asleep. Riza smiled.  
"So, what brings you here, Winry?"  
Hawkeye and Winry had met on several occasions before, and were on quite good terms, as they shared a general tom-boyishness and a certain liking for members of the military. Emphasis on the word 'like'. It was this latter similarity that had brought Winry here today.  
"I. . .well, I thought. . .It's Al's fault. He found out that I liked Ed. He is blackmailing me into writing a poem for him. I need your help." Winry said this all quite quickly before breathing a sigh of relief. Riza struggled to keep her expression one of understanding, but couldn't help it. Laughter burst from her tightly squeezed lips before she could stop it.  
"I'm sorry Winry. But you . . . writing poetry?" Another round of laughter escaped her lips. Winry blushed. Riza smiled.  
"I'm sorry. Ok, so you need my help?" Winry nodded.  
"Well, do you know how to write poetry?" Winry frowned. "Nope."  
Riza grinned. "Well, neither do I. Maybe you should take a song and change the lyrics. Like a Christmas carol?"  
Winry smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all. Except . . .  
"Ed doesn't like Christmas carols, only Christmas songs."  
"Well, then, I'll be back in a moment."  
Riza slipped out of the room and returned 2 minutes later, carrying a CD cover.  
"Roy occasionally likes to put on this one." She handed it over. Winry glanced up and down the track list. Walking in a Winter Wonderland, Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire . . . that was when her eyes fell on the prefect song.  
"Do you think Ed would mind if it was . . . humorous?"

Ooo.

Roy Mustang walked into his office, rubbing his arms. It was absolutely freezing outside, though still not cold enough for snow, only frost. He approached his desk and found a note there explaining that Riza had gone out to get some coffee with a friend, and that there was a folder on her desk for him. He walked over to get it, but something else on her desk caught his eye. A piece of paper was titled "Draft Song for Ed", and underneath, lyrics were scrawled to the tune of I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas:

I'm dreaming of a cute midget.  
Just like the one I used to know.  
He was short and funny, and hot.  
Merry Midget, to you.

Roy stared. What an odd poem. But there were more important matters presenting themselves here: Riza . . . liked Full-metal? A glare that could have incinerated a building was given to the paper, and a sigh escaped his lips.

"I never thought I would envy a midget."

Ooo.

Riza returned from dropping Winry home, handing over the final copy of the 'poem', and her phone number. She wanted to know how it turned out, although Winry reminded her that it would not be given until Christmas Day.

Inside the office, Riza found Roy sitting at his desk with a weird expression on his face, staring at the wall. She frowned and walked over to him. "Sir, is everything alright?"

Roy didn't answer, so obviously not.

"Is there anything I can do?"

Silence once more. Riza frowned.

"Roy, shut the hell up."

This emitted a startled glance from the Colonel Lieutenant. "What did I say?"

"More than you would ever know, sir. But that's generally a technique I learnt when I was little. It was useful when I wanted to annoy family members. Now I don't suppose you want to tell me the problem, or should I leave you to wallow in the obvious misery, unhappiness, anger and jealousy that you are experiencing." Her voice was edged with slight sarcasm, but she didn't mean it as a direct insult. Sometimes being slightly harsh was a good way of getting information out of people. Roy couldn't help but be surprised by how well she knew him.

"I don't suppose you've seen Full-Metal lately, have you?"

Riza couldn't help but grin at the thought of the poem. Roy interpreted this the wrong way.

"Oh, I see." He lapsed back into silence. Riza stared at him slightly, trying to work out what that tone of voice was supposed to be implying. She shrugged and returned to her desk. As she was throwing out some scrap paper, she found in the bin the draft copy of Winry's poem. It looked as though someone had read it, crumpled it up and thrown it out. As to who had done this, Riza knew immediately. It was obvious. The paper even had slight scorch march around the edges. She sighed and turned around. Two can play at this game.

"So, Roy, how was your day?"

Roy didn't answer.

"Mine was very interesting, thanks for asking. The Fuehrer said we may be in the running for a promotion; I did some Christmas shopping, practiced my shooting and delivered a report to Fury. Oh, and I helped a friend write a love poem for Full-Metal. Who knew he had admirers? Though come to think of it, I could have sworn I had left a copy of it on my desk. Oh well, it was only a draft." She shrugged and turned back around, smiling to herself. "Now if you don't mind, I think I should go get ready for the Christmas ball tonight, and you should too. I wish I knew what was bothering you. . ." And with that, she left.

Roy stared at the door where Hawkeye had just exited, her words echoing around his head.

His face slowly stretched into a smile.

Ooo.

End of Part 1…


	2. Part 2

Part 2: Day of the Pink Uniform

Various people milled around the great ballroom; some danced, others talked, others ate. But Roy Mustang was doing none of these. He had taken to skulking in a dark corner, too wrapped in his own thoughts to notice when other people stopped to wish him a merry Christmas, or to attempt to start a conversation. To him, his surroundings (the annual Christmas Ball) were not there, and any person who attempted to talk to him soon gave up, either exasperated or slightly muffled. Still, Roy paid no attention to any of this. His thoughts were all directed towards a single person. He could see her now, out on the dance floor, having a quick whirl with Havoc. His eyes narrowed as his thoughts now overwhelmed him.

He took in every detail about her; the way her hair was done tonight, the way she moved, the fact that her dress was the colour blue. This last fact was what was bugging him the most. Blue. How he detested that colour. Blue was the colour of the forbidden. Blue was the colour of their uniform. Blue was the reason why he couldn't have her. And yet . . .

He knew that tomorrow morning would be the same. That he would wake up normally, albeit a slight hangover, he would put on his uniform, he would go in to work and he would act normally towards her. He remembered the relief he had felt today when he had found out that that stupid poem was from someone else for Full-Metal, not from her. She had noticed his jealousy, but she had no idea it was directed towards the midget.

But his subconscious mind had grasped on to an idea, and before he had even formulated it properly, it was filling his mind. His uniform meant forbidden. So what if. . .

Roy started suddenly as Falman came over to initiate conversation.

"She looks very pretty with her hair down, yes?"

"Who?"

"You Know who. You've been staring at her all night. I . . ." But before Falman could finish the sentence, I black-haired woman asked him for a dance, and he obliged. Roy frowned. How had Falman noticed and not her? But a plan was forming in his mind.

One that may not work. That hadn't been thought out correctly. That had been thought of under the influence of alcohol.

Nevertheless, he would see it through. He was Roy Mustang, and he would not give up on her without a fight.

Ooo.

Havoc lit a cigarette as he walked down the hall to the dreaded office of Roy Mustang. Perhaps maybe today called for two. After all, dire conditions call for dire measures. As he fished around in his pocket for another cigarette, he grumbled to himself. Why did he have to work on the day before Christmas? True it was a Friday, but still, he could be out doing Christmas shopping, or attending friend's Christmas parties. At this time of the morning, during the holidays, most people would be asleep. But no, not for him. He was at work at 8 AM. And he had a hangover from the Christmas ball last night.

His silent rant continued all the way down the hall, until he reached the office door and pushed it wide open, just as he triumphantly pulled a cigarette from his pocket.

He stopped.

He stared.

Roy Mustang was in the office, as usual. He was working, as usual. He was wearing pink.

Not usual.

The unlit cigarette fell silently to the floor.

Roy grinned, causing Havoc to panic.

Roy didn't grin. Roy never grinned. Roy never wore pink. Something very weird was happening.

Ooo.

Falman and Full-Metal came into the office at 8:07 AM. They were discussing various antics of the previous night, and Ed was currently blushing furiously as Falman poked fun at the fact that he had hardly danced with anyone other than Winry all night. Ed was about to retaliate when the site of the office stopped them. More accurately, the site of Roy Mustang stopped them.

Ooo.

Riza Hawkeye entered the office at 8:10 AM on the dot. The scene she encountered before her was . . . unusual, to say the least.

1. Havoc was sitting on the couch, staring at the wall, not smoking. A weird expression was fixed upon his face, as if the site of something had scarred him for life.

2. Full-metal and Falman were at a desk, heads buried in papers and books on the Philosophers stone.

3. Roy sat behind his desk, reading reports. He wore pink.

Riza was not completely surprised by this turn of events. In fact, she had been expecting something of the sort for a while now. It was hard not to notice Roy going insane. Especially when she knew him as well as she did. He was obviously cracking up over some girl. Now, she had to figure out whom. A slight wave of disappointment washed over her, but she pushed it away and walked over to Roy.

"Why are you wearing pink, sir."

Roy looked up and smiled. Riza always got straight to the point.

"Because pink is the colour of love."

"It's Christmas tomorrow sir, not Valentine's day."

"Christmas is a time for truth and love, Riza."

Oh. Right.

Roy opened a draw, pulled something out and stuck it in his pocket, before walking around his desk towards Hawkeye, grinning strangely.

"Blue is the colour of the forbidden. Pink is the colour of love. What would you prefer?"

Riza stared at him. He was acting strangely. Very strangely. Towards her.

"Uh. . .pink?"

Roy smiled, and pulled whatever it was he had in his pocket out. As soon as Riza saw it, she knew what was up with Roy Mustang.

In his hand lay a sprig of mistletoe.

The end of Part 2. Haha. I kind of cut out the mush, but be warned; you won't be so lucky next chapter. I didn't know whether to give you the non-mush or the mush ending, so I just left it there coz I know my brother is reading this and he's gonna be going "Oh crap, mush." Stuff will be sorted out next chapter.


	3. Part 3

Part 3: Roy-in-a-Box (or The Elric Matchmaker)

Christmas morning was once more inflicting itself upon Roy Mustang as he pulled himself out of bed. For a moment he let his early-morning thoughts run through themselves, until he realized what had happened yesterday.

Pink.

Mistletoe.

Kiss.

Riza acting all jumpy, leaving the office 'on an assignment' and not returning.

Crap.

Roy sighed deeply. He shouldn't have done that stunt with the mistletoe. Riza would probably never talk to him again. He didn't even know why he had done it. It wasn't the kind of thing Roy Mustang did.

He approached his kitchen, finding a large bucket of blue dye and a now dry and restored uniform on the bench. This triggered memories of the fact that he had to go to work. He sighed and stated to get dressed.

Ooo.

Full-metal was in the office when Roy arrived.

"Why are you here on Christmas morning, kid?"

"I'm just dropping something off, that's all. I don't plan to stay for longer than 5 minutes. At the most. I suppose you have to be here, right?"

"Correct. But I don't have many people to spend Christmas with, so it doesn't matter anyway. The military is my life and family. Oh God, that was mushy." Roy opened a draw and started searching through mounds of paper. Elric grinned.

"Don't expect to get off Christmas that easily, Mustang. It's not like you can run from it."

"Watch me."

"You're in a bad mood. I suppose it's to do with Riza, yes? Thought so. Why don't you talk to her?"

"I don't feel like this kind of conversation this early in the morning, Full-metal." Roy stated through gritted teeth. Ed smirked as he exited the office, turning around in the door way for one last comment.

"If I were you, Roy, I wouldn't give up just now. You never know. Maybe you still have a chance. But if you are serious about her, well, maybe you should show her that. Christmas is the time for truth and love, you said it yourself. I sure as hell am not going to let the person I like slip through my fingers after receiving a rather infuriating yet sweet present, not today, so maybe you should rethink. By the way, Hawkeye is coming in to the office at 11:30. That gives you 3 hours. I'm pretty sure I saw Fury and Havoc around here somewhere. Get them to help." And he was gone.

Roy stared at the open and empty doorway. First he was jealous of the midget, now he was being given advice by him. The world was definitely insane. But maybe. . .

Roy hated to think that someone over 10 years younger than him was smarter than him, but maybe Ed was right. Maybe he should try one last time.

Ooo.

Hawkeye was down at the shooting range, practicing targets. She hadn't gotten one bulls eye I the time she had been down here. Something was obviously wrong. Edward Elric moved down the stairs and into the gallery.

"Riza."

Riza spun around. "Agh, Full-metal, you scared me. Why are you here?"

"Something is wrong, isn't it?"

Riza frowned. Was she going to be counseled by a 15 year old? Still, he was a pretty smart one . . . she frowned and gave in.

"Yes Ed, something is wrong and I have no idea what it is."

Well, that didn't help.

"So it wouldn't, by any chance, have anything to do with a certain Roy Mustang?"

Riza's shot missed the target bored completely, instead drilling a hole in the wall.

"I thought so."

Ooo.

"I'm not going to suffocate in here, am I?" Questioned Roy, and Havoc pushed him into an over-sized cardboard box. Fury was adding the last touches to the wrapping paper.

"Err . . . of course not." Havoc replied, rather unconvincingly. Roy let out a low growl that reminded Havoc of Riza's dog. Fury looked up.

"You can't suffocate in cardboard." 

"Well that's a bloody good thing for you two." Roy said in the tone of voice that made Havoc and Fury want to run out of the office as fast as possible.

Ooo.

A large group of people had now gathered in the office. Fury, Havoc, Falman, Alphonse and Winry stood or sat around the room, waiting for Ed to return with Riza. A large box sat on the floor next to her desk, and if you listened really carefully, you could here Roy Mustang's faint breathing sounds and occasional grumbles about how stuffy and small the box was. Finally, Edward Elric entered the room and made a motion to announce her arrival. Havoc got up and kicked the cardboard box hard to make Roy be quiet, his face grinning evilly. Riza Hawkeye rounded the corner and entered the office, staring at everyone.

"Merry Christmas, Riza. Someone has left a present for you." Announced Falman. Riza stared at the large box and at the large crowd of people, taking in all of them . . . and Roy's absence. This made her heart sink slightly. But maybe the present was from him? She made her way over to it. Everyone leaned forward slightly in anticipation. Hawkeye looked at the card.

"To Riza Hawkeye. Please stop running." It read cryptically. Fleeting images of Barry the Chopper somehow found there way into her head, but she pushed them away and started to undo the ribbon. She lifted the lid, to be met by two black eyes and a familiar face.

"Merry Christmas, Riza." Roy managed to say, before falling over from lack of oxygen, half-unconscious on the carpet.

Havoc glared daggers at Fury. "I thought you couldn't suffocate through cardboard!" He hissed. Fury looked sheepish.

"I forgot about the wrapping paper."

Roy lay on the carpet, staring at the ceiling, taking deep breaths. Riza leant over him.

"Hypochondriac."

And she kissed him.

Ooo.

The End!

Merry Christmas to you all! Or Happy Chanukah! Uh . . . MERRY CHRISMUKAH! Happy Chinese New Year, Happy Kwanza, and whatever else you celebrate, have a good one!


End file.
